Nancy Edwards: The Dancing Grandma

50 Today...

This is a poem that I wrote on the day I turned 50. Like many other women, I was dreading that day and wondering what my life would become afterwards. It's not easy to grow older! And so, I sat down that day and the words just came out. I'm putting it up here on my website because I want to share what I felt like before this dramatic rebirth. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way.

I am fifty today
My heart muscle is flabby
My stomach lies beside me on the bed like a deflated basketball when I
lie on my side
I see no reason to shave my legs anymore
or get a new hairdo or use make-up or paint my nails
or get out of bed

Life has recently given me way too much free time
to ponder what I'm even here for
To review my defeats
obsess over my mistakes
grieve my losses
To feel whatever pain still remains burning at my core
and to wonder if there is a future worth living for me

I don't know anymore what I want to be or do or have;
everything is at a complete standstill except
that I feel like I'm in an ever-expanding sinkhole
which gets harder and harder to climb out of.......

Why is it that my life must be emptied out again
before I can figure out how to fill it up?
I swear I'm not depressed though.

After A While...

I love this message, don't you? - Nancy

AFTER A WHILE YOU LEARN
THE SUBTLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
HOLDING A HAND
AND CHAINING A SOUL
YOU LEARN THAT LOVE DOESN’T MEAN LEANING
AND COMPANY DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN SECURITY
AND YOU BEGIN TO LEARN
THAT KISSES AREN’T CONTRACTS AND
PRESENTS AREN’T PROMISES
AND YOU BEGIN TO ACCEPT YOUR DEFEATS
WITH YOUR HEAD HELD UP & YOUR EYES STRAIGHT AHEAD
WITH THE GRACE OF A WOMAN
NOT THE GRIEF OF A CHILD
AND YOU LEARN

TO BUILD ALL YOURS ROADS ON TODAY
BECAUSE TOMORROW’S GROUND IS TOO UNCERTAIN
AND FUTURES HAVE A WAY OF
FALLING DOWN MIDFLIGHT

AFTER A WHILE YOU LEARN
THAT EVEN SUNSHINE BURNS IF YOU GET TOO MUCH
SO YOU PLANT YOUR OWN GARDEN
AND DECORATE YOUR OWN SOUL
INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO
BRING YOU FLOWERS
AND YOU LEARN
THAT YOU REALLY CAN ENDURE
THAT YOU REALLY ARE STRONG
AND YOU REALLY DO HAVE WORTH
AND YOU LEARN
AND YOU LEARN
WITH EVERY GOODBYE YOU LEARN.

-Author Unknown