Hi dear readers! If you're struggling with giving up cigarettes, this final post on smoking may either help or hinder you. Be forewarned.
Previous posts on this have been somewhat humorous: this post will take a more serious look at this heinous addiction and how it impacted my life. The primary reason I wanted to quit was not liking knowing that anything, especially something inanimate, could control my every waking hour. Smokes
determined who my friends were; which classes I took in grad school (smoking allowed); whether or not I could even sit through a play or a movie; and so much more.
The reality that cigarettes had played a major role in managing all my emotions for 23 years hit hard when I finally gave them up...
I began to have panic attacks (a first!) and really feeling my depression. Looking back, especially with my vast knowledge of psychology, it's very clear that smoking kept a major depression "dormant" and undercover. Quitting did NOT create or cause the depression, in other words; it simply held it at bay for many years. Cigs had been my "valium". Without them there was no way I could hide or deny strong feelings, much less know what to do with them or, at times, even know where they came from!
I had no choice but to get myself into weekly therapy. It was this
process which revealed childhood trauma. For me, the discovery, naming
and healing of a sorry beginning would take many years of
unraveling then putting back together. If anyone had told me that quitting would result in years and
thousands of dollars worth of therapy, I might have continued smoking!
That was then; this is now. I can honestly say that smoking all those years allowed me to survive but stood directly in the way of THRIVING. It was a dishonest way of living which robbed me of my emotional integrity and kept me the same. To this day, I know full well that I am only one cigarette away from resuming this addiction.....maybe even one puff.
There are many folks who use alcohol and are not alcoholic, but very few smokers who aren't cigarette addicts! I am certain, however, that had I never quit, my life would be VERY different, and not in a good way. I think that the courage to quit goes hand-in-hand with the courage to face all of life's challenges and opportunities in the bright light of day, not the smoke-covered darkness of night.
It was, when all is said and done, the most life-changing decision I've ever made.
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